ENTER SANDMAN
9 Jul
Though I’ve previously detailed my insecurities regarding my parental prowess, I acknowledge that, on the whole, we’re pretty good parents. Yes, Henry puts dog toys in his mouth, but we draw the line at letting him stick his tongue in light sockets and by god no he will NOT eat rocks. We also play with him, sing to him, and wipe his ass occasionally. We dole out praise and discipline somewhat consistently and feed him spinach. So YAY US. As far as we know, we’re not rearing a serial killer.
Of course, where there are high notes, there are low notes, and I can say with confidence that the one marker of parental excellence that we’ve truly effed up is sleep. At almost 14 months (that’s 1 year and nearly 2 months for those of you who hate it when parents make you do math when relaying the age of their kids. Or 524 days, if you’re a real nutbar.), Henry still does not sleep through the night. Worst yet . . .
He sleeps in our bed.
I feel the need to say that in a whisper. For my parents’ generation, nothing says coddling, mama’s-boy-making, future-serial-killer-indulgent parenting like letting your kid sleep in your bed. Though Dr. Sears has justified made me feel much better about this decision, currently the setbacks attendant with this scenario far outweigh the benefits.
I don't need no stinkin' sleep!
Weirdly, I must have subconsciously seen this coming because I got proactive before Henry was even born and started reading up on infant sleep. I really wanted to get off on the right foot. So I read Weissbluth, Ferber, Pantley, Sears, and others to take in a range of tactics and stances on the subject. From these sources, we crafted our own approach to infant sleep and followed our plan to the letter. As such, we seemed poised to avoid the development of bad sleep habits. We put Henry down for bed awake; we created a consistent night-time routine; we prepped him for naps after one to two hours of wakefulness; eventually, we used graduated extinction to manage nap/bedtime fussiness. In other words, WE DID EVERYTHING RIGHT. In the short-term, all of these tactics work. And for many, maybe even most parents, each of these strategies followed consistently works in the long term, as well. But folks, this has not been the case for us. Obviously, we birthed some kind of hyper-evolved life form that has learned how to subsist on Goldfish and catnaps.
Sadly and paradoxically, his parents are not cut from the same cloth.
Of course, I chose the word “subsist” carefully, because that’s really the extent of what Henry can manage on this sleep schedule. He’s crankier for longer periods of time than other kids. His biting problem may be related to this persistent pissy state. Generally, his development appears to be on track (though, according to his pediatrician, his biting is actually advanced, as this behavior is usually exhibited by older children. That’s right — our kid is fucking advanced at AGGRESSION. Suck on that, parental peers!), but in recent months his verbal acquisition has plateaued. This is just an assumption, of course, as I know my own persistent sleep-deprived state often renders me incapable of pretty talk, as well as the excessive use of exclamation points and caps lock in written discourse (case in point: THIS BLOG!). Then there’s new research linking sleep deprivation to hyperactivity. All this means that with each night waking, Henry gets closer to turning into Philip, the Hyper Hypo.
So how did this happen? Well, lots of reasons. We were doomed on the napping front from the start. Due to our nation’s Draconian requirements for maternity leave, I had to return to work when Henry was a mere 12 weeks old (and 12 weeks is good for the ole U S of A). For Henry (and probably for many infants), three months wasn’t enough time to develop a consistent nap routine. In the infant room at Henry’s daycare, nap time was a catch-as-catch-can activity. Understandably, it’s impossible to enforce a designated nap time on eight infants ranging in age from six weeks to one year old. This meant some kids slept while others played, requiring lights and music to be on at all times for the awake babies. For whatever reason, Henry wasn’t one of those babies who adorably passed out mid-fart. He had to be put down — convinced, cajoled, bribed, negotiated with. Now and again, Henry would surprise us all and nap for two hours in the middle of the day. But 99 percent of the time, he slept anywhere from 10 minutes to 1 hour. The older he got and more cognizant and active he became, the closer those naps dwindled to 10 or 15 minutes in length.
As such, the time between picking up Henry from daycare and getting him to bed for the night was The Most Awful Part of My Day. Every day, I brought home a nutbar, thrashing junkie addicted to YAY Happy Wake Time! The two to three hours before we got Henry to sleep each night, he morphed into Linda Blair.
Around six months, we started to experience some success with Ferber’s graduated extinction plan. Here’s how it works: 1) put baby down drowsy, but awake; 2) when baby cries, wait five minutes, go in and nurture him without picking him up, then leave him alone; 3) when baby starts crying again, let him cry for 10 minutes before comforting him. Again, leave him alone; 4) if crying resumes, let him cry it out for 15 minutes, and so on. Our success was spotty, but we were getting the intended effect: Henry was ultimately putting himself to sleep.
Unfortunately, any strides we made in getting him down were quickly dashed when he’d wake up after only 10 minutes of sleep. So we’d start the whole process again. As you can imagine, it felt like we spent entire weekends just trying to make Henry nap. On Mondays, when friends and coworkers would ask what we did for the weekend, my response was, “Forced sleep on my child against his will.” Each week, we’d take him back to daycare and any meager strides made in routinizing nap time would get tossed out the window. Again.
While nap time remained a constant struggle, bedtime became a bit more predictable. After dinner, bath, book, and nursing, Henry would go to bed every night between 5:30 and 6:30 pm. In a few rare planet-aligning instances, he actually slept for an uninterrupted seven to eight hours. Usually, he slept for five hours straight, woke up to nurse, and then went back down in his crib. Lest you think we got greedy for more sleep, you should know that we were beyond happy with this schedule. Shit, I don’t need gold when I got champagne, y’all. If that schedule had kept up, I would have ceased my angsting and you wouldn’t be reading this discombobulated rant. But soon, Henry started waking up earlier and earlier. Adam became the Night Man (a title he, understandably, didn’t appreciate) and, for a time, he could get Hank back to sleep. Then something — teething, one of many colds, bouts of pink eye, or sinus infections — would throw Henry’s night-time sleep out of whack and eventually, Adam lost the ability to get him back down at all. Henry would essentially cry it out while being held by his poor, patient dad.
It was around this time that My Boob became a bonafide super hero, the sole Kryptonite to Hank’s sleep demons. As Henry’s night wakings became more frequent, I’d nurse him in bed next to me, which allowed me to get some sleep. Next thing you know, our adorable sleep terrorist is a permanent fixture in our bed, leaving Adam and I bruised from his night flailing and frequently waking up asking “who pooped the bed?”
This evolution led us further in the Ferber direction. We hated the thought of hardcore crying it out, but knew it worked for others and that we needed to regain control of our sleep and Henry’s. For two nights, we let Hank cry it out. I believe the point of this method is to wear the kid out, reassure him that he can get to sleep on his own, that he’s master of his own domain, er, fatigue, etc. But in these instances, Henry’s cries didn’t fade into whimpers followed by snoring. His wails grew louder, more anxious, more desperate. For Attempt 1, I made it 50 minutes before losing my shit and bursting into the room, Who Dat Ninja style. Henry was so upset, he hiccuped for the next half hour while I nursed him, and continued hiccuping even after he finally dozed off. For Attempt 2, I swooped in after Henry’s anxious screams turned to gagging. This kid was more willing to self-induce vomit than to self soothe. I absolutely do not judge parents who use and have success with the CIO method. But it wasn’t working for us and I didn’t have the balls to keep trying.
So now, we’re reluctant cosleepers. Though mostly weaned, Henry remains a boob junkie after dark. We make half-hearted attempts to change things up and try new methods, but ultimately, we’re simply too tired to stick with anything. Obviously, I’m no expert, but I think it boils down to this: some parents get lucky and make babies who like sleep. Some parents don’t. The parents that do should really consider procreating more. Those that don’t? Well, let’s just say there are no plans for a Nikolaidis Part Deux.
Of course, I wouldn’t be a very good control freak if I left this up to chance, so please, give me your suggestions. INTERNET, I NEED YOUR HELP. As long as it doesn’t fall into the usual “shed your cankle fat” or “get bodacious slut on your johnson” categories of online advice, I’ll take it.
If the Internet tubes can’t help us, then we’re going to need a young priest and an old priest. Or we’re going to have to start sweetening our coffees with cocaine.
It may be too late, but did you ever try to swaddle him? Arms out at this point? Or even looking into a home day care situation that can help you in your efforts, as day care certainly sabotages any progress you may make. Good luck!
Thanks for the suggestion! We did swaddle Henry when he was younger, but he became some kind of Jedi master at escaping it. I would try it now, but he’s such a wiry kid that I fear it would only antagonize him. But maybe I’ll try it the next time mommy needs a minute ;)
I say you continue to try crying it out. Generally Sylvia was good about going to sleep at night, but she was waking up around 6 AM every morning. One day I decided I was going to create a kid who enjoyed sleeping in, goddamn it. So I turned off the monitor and ignored her (which is easy since she’s on the other side of the house). After a couple of mornings she stopped waking up before 8. It takes longer for some kids than others, but, yes, you have to stick it out. I don’t even believe in going to them after 5 or 10 minutes. I have let them cry for up to 45 minutes without visiting them. Sylvia even puked one night, but we cleaned it up and kept at it. Show him who is boss. And do it now before he can talk back.
You’re a stronger woman than I. I can’t stomach the CIO yet, but I realize that we can’t go much longer like this.
Oh Erica, I totally feel your pain. Micah is not much of a sleeper either. Our nights have been better lately, but daytime is so hard. I can definitely relate to trying all day to get your child to nap–and we don’t even have the day care issue. He used to only nap while being held–he wouldn’t even sleep NEXT to us, so we’re making progress but it’s not easy…
I’m sorry you’re experience sleep problems with Micah, too. At least we’re not alone! We need to commiserate together over some wine.
Jesus dude, I don’t know what to say. I would tend to agree with Jessica at this point. I’m not a fan of hard-core CIO either, but damn. Sleep deprivation is used as a method of torture for a good reason. Anecdotally speaking, think of it this way: Airline safety mandates that the parent secure their own oxygen mask first before helping their children because, without a functioning and sane parent, the child will suffer.
Hank’s old enough to not need nighttime nursing for nutrition (you’ve clearly figured out it’s for soothing these days). The graduated whatever thing is obviously not working. I think I’ve understood from others that CIO can take a little while to work, especially in “older” kids.
I know a lot of twin moms who had tons of success with something called Moms on Call, but that was with infants. They have a toddler “program,” but I can’t relate anyone’s success with it for that age.
Tons of luck, girl. I know you’ve struggled with his sleep since the beginning.
Having no experience, I can’t offer any suggestions in this department… but I do urge you to keep blogging about such things and become a child rearing expert. This way you’ll have all the answers and can pass them along to me in a couple of years :)
Seriously though, good luck with this! I deprive myself of sleep regularly just getting wrapped up in my own shit and I don’t have kids! I know how rough it is to constantly be tired. Hang in there!
So, I have no children of my own – but I have helped my sister raise her 3 children.
One of the kids had to go to sleep listening to soothing Norah Jones and Iron & Wine music — I’m serious — anything else and nada, but something magical about that music made them sleep restfully & relax and she couldn’t watch TV at least 1-2 hours before bedtime. Strange, I know.
Another kid slept best and the most sound on their own if they had a bath right before bedtime — some kids this wakes them up even more — others — it’s soothing. Johnson & Johnson makes a really soothing lavender sleepytime formula that worked for her.
And the 3rd one drank some warm milk (might be a good transfer to give your chest a rest) — but then maybe he just has an oral fixation which is completely feasible like my nephew did. He didn’t give up a pacifier until 2 1/2.
So – those are my….3 cents :)
Love your blog, by the way – hope you don’t mind me reading it. I saw it on Amanda’s blog! :)
Thanks for the suggestions, Allison! And of course I don’t mind you reading the blog. My regular embarrassment is an open book, for all the world to enjoy ;)
We do a bath before bed every night for Henry and having that as part of regular routine is a huge help. I think that’s why we can always get him down in his own crib. It’s just the frequent wakings after that that are a problem. But I do think I’ll try giving him warm milk (not from my boob) before bed. That’s a good idea.
I can understand the soothing music, too. Henry LOVES this Laura Gibson album called “Beasts of Seasons” (it’s good, you should check it out). But we only have luck with that in the car.
I’ll definitely check out that album :) !!!
My cousin recommended this blog and she was totally right keep up the fantastic work!
Try the baby whisperer books. It’s a good in-between philosophy (between CIO and glued to breast). Her main thing is “start as you mean to go on”. Go to the library and find the 2 baby books and the toddler book (I always liked reading ahead). Sleep can be managed, but also depends on temperament.
Daycare is killing your efforts, how flexible are they in terms of assisting you with schedules? Once you have like a week off to set your shite up straight, hand them a schedule to go by when you start up work again.
My thing with kids is “whatever is the easy way out comes back to bite you in the arse”.